“A marriage is a moving process, a living thing, and if it stops being fed with these existential nutrients (love, communication, respect and trust), it will finally expire.” —Tim Lott.
My deceased father would have been 94 on July 22. My mother is also deceased. Their mixed marriage in the 1940s was frowned upon. He told his parents: “You taught me that God resides in everyone. He resides in Ruby, and I want to marry her.”
They were married for more than 55 years. Like all marriages, they had to work at theirs. Marriages have their highs and lows. The challenge is how to deal with both.
“What allows married couples to remain united in marriage is a love of mutual self-giving sustained by the grace of Christ…if divorce or separation should happen, however, the Church does not condemn, but on the contrary, faced with so many painful marital failures, she feels called to live her presence of love, of charity, of mercy, to bring back the wounded and lost hearts to God.” (Pope Francis).
Some experts state that communication problems are the number one reason marriages fail. I believe that many marriages fail because God was not placed at the centre. Pa was Hindu, Ma was Catholic. From the outset they made a deliberate/shared decision to put God in charge.
For some, other things take priority. If the wrong values underpin a marriage, there may be problems later on. Marriage preparation is critical. Many faith communities in T&T run relevant programmes. Support by friends, family and the wider community after a couple’s wedding is also important.
For Catholics, marriage is a sacrament: “The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring…” (CCC1601).
Marriage requires constant effort if it is to last. It must be “refined and worked over daily, like craftwork, a goldsmith’s work… Always act so that the other person will grow…remember these words, which have helped so much in married life: ‘May I?’, ‘Thank you,’ and ‘I’m sorry.'” (Pope Francis).
Today many couples/families are under considerable stress. The extended family has been eroded over the years. Communities/institutions must step in the gap and support couples/families; journey with them, as the sustainability of the nation depends upon strong families.
I share two examples of love in action. The first is a message from a Trinidadian, Jean Paul Turpin, my friend, Diane Monteil’s nephew. He sent it to his wife of four years, Ziressa, on her 30th birthday. They have a three-month old daughter, Remi; live in Vermont, and have known each other for 11 years. He said I can share it:
“Wifey…. for all the time I’ve known you, you’ve displayed an unwavering desire to manifest the greatest life possible. Your growth isn’t motivated or limited by circumstance. Instead, it’s animated by a genuine drive to become your ideal self, thus empowering everyone around you to do the same. Every day you show a breathtaking level of dedication to our family. I’m so glad Remi has you to teach her what really matters in this world. It’s truly a privilege to be on this journey with you. May all your seasons be bountiful. Happy 30th!”
The second example I share is that of Dunstan and Jo Anne Lodge from Chaguanas. They celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary on August 1. They have two children and a granddaughter.
My 34th Wedding Anniversary Gift to those contemplating marriage
By Dunstan and Jo Anne Lodge
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Marriage is a serious life decision, not something to flippantly embark upon; it is not for everyone. Marriage is about helping your spouse to become a better person, an adventure where together you choose the things to make each other happy.
My husband and I met through a mutual friend while I was studying at the UWI St Augustine Campus. It was a time when friends looked out for each other, young persons limed in groups and would encourage friends who they believed made a good match, to get to know each other better. Life in the 1970s and 1980s was about living life to the full and enjoying your youth, not trying to do adult things before one was ready.
My husband’s family is fairly large; he is the last with five siblings and with many cousins, nieces and nephews. My immediate family is a bit smaller, I being also the last with two siblings. Once you decide to have a relationship with someone, a possible life partner, know fully well that you are also entering into a relationship with the person’s family.
Along with God, this is the support system that has been given to you to hold your relationship together and the persons that you will depend on for child rearing, house-keeping advice, finances and guidance with the many things in life that you don’t know about.
It is important to take time to know your potential life partner’s family; this provides the clues about what makes your friend tick, why certain things are the way they are and what events in the past influence your friend’s value system and the manner in which decisions are made.
Always marry someone that you like, you can always “fall in love”; marriage is a giving vocation for life, you can at least pick someone with whom you enjoy spending time. View marriage as a union of two independent persons. Therefore one must “know thyself” before making the decision to give yourself to another.
Know your own strengths and weaknesses, what you like to do and what responsibilities you can undertake in the household. Accept the weaknesses of your potential spouse and find ways to get the daily duties done without insisting that certain things be done by certain persons. For example, I don’t like to cook; my husband does not like to do handy-work and yard cleaning around the house. We found ways to get these things done, without it being a burden on each other.
Know and accept your potential spouse’s faults; ask yourself, if these get ten times worse out in time (and they will) can you still live and tolerate this person – do this self-examination before you say “I do”.
Be aware of the little things your friend does and says and ask about them, don’t nag, but just be interested in learning about the person with whom you will design your future and nurture your children, if they come.
Be accepting and non-judgmental about the character of your spouse, your role is not to make them into the most perfect specimen on earth. That’s God’s work and He gave this person to you. You are to help each other to realize each other’s dreams, be productive and useful in the work space, be a sounding board for your spouse’s challenges in life. Life is not about problems, in a marriage it is about creating an environment within which each can thrive, be yourself and share at the deepest level.
But life happens. Distractions come every day and children take centre stage from pregnancy to tertiary level graduation. Before you know it, you’re over fifty and you don’t know who you are living with.
This can be prevented by cherishing each day, spending time together, asking a family member to look after your children while you go on a vacation alone together or to a movie and keep in touch with each other’s concerns, desires and personal changes. Remember why you fell in love with this person and help them to strengthen those traits that you love about them, every day.
There will be crises during your marriage, face them head on with a desire to minimize the hurt that your spouse endures. Your role is not to punish, that is God’s role if He so desires. If divorce is considered an option, then it will be an option in times of difficulty. Talk about the things that can lead to your divorce and take steps early to prevent these things from happening e.g. infidelity.
Nip things in the bud; it is easier to discuss a small issue than argue about a problem that you no longer recognize. When you cannot handle problems, because you don’t have the tools or solutions, seek counseling to get additional help. Do not let your marriage fail because you were ashamed or too proud to ask for help.
Communicate every day, every hour, every minute – this helps with understanding each other’s point of view and how the other sees life. Sometimes you marry someone with whom you share no common interests; talking things through over and over is vital.
Your spouse is a living, changing human being, constantly growing and developing; you need to keep track of things as your life together expands – this is the adventure of marriage. It is about helping your spouse to become a better person. This means support for academic and professional goals, being there in times of illness, being reasonable when finances are short, working together to overcome life’s challenges. Whenever you criticize your spouse, let them know that it is in their interest to help them become a better person.
Create good-times. If you spend all of your time saying and doing negative things that weigh heavy on your spouse, life will be negative. It is always easier to achieve understanding during light moments and when we can laugh at ourselves.
Take an opportunity to reflect on what you are contributing to the relationship; ask your spouse if they are happy. Although no one can make the other happy, you can find out what you can do to make the journey easier or what you can say to help your spouse to understand the challenges they go through. Create good-times – many times this does not require much if any money.
My husband and I are fortunate in that we both have strong families who value loving family relationships and shared life values. This was particularly so in helping to raise our children. Extended family was always there for baby-sitting, joint family vacations and a cousins network within which the children still can safely develop their personal values. Family gatherings are regular and an important part of our family life – birthdays, holiday celebrations, personal achievements.
If you put each other first, each of you will always be first. Keep God in your marriage, even if it simply means always including your spouse in your daily prayer. So on to the next 34 years, to learn more, discover more about the gift of my spouse and become a better person in all this.
