We share with you Carissa Rudulfo’s contribution to the CCSJ’s and the Youth Commission’s Spoken Word Competition. She won third prize. Her piece reminded me of Pope Francis’s message to an Evangelical Christian gathering in the USA in July 2016. He said young people have a “restlessness” in their hearts, and Jesus is the answer: “Young men and women, I know there is something in your heart that moves you. And that makes you restless… I invite you to find the One who can give you an answer to your restlessness. And I assure you, you will not be frustrated. God does not leave anyone disillusioned. Jesus is waiting for you. He is the One who planted the seeds of restlessness in your heart. Give it a try! You don’t have anything to lose! Try it.”
Living as credible witness to God’s mercy
by Carissa Rudulfo
“You used to call me on my cell phone,
Late night when you need my love…
Call me on my cell phone, late night when you need my love…”
I used to think that God always left His phone on silent.
Because when I’d call, the line would ring and ring until the
voicemail came up saying: “This is God, leave a prayer at the
tone and I’ll get back to you eventually.”
And just as I have for every teenage boy, I made excuses for
Him all too frequently
Like maybe His battery died, probably bmobile has poor service
on His side, or perhaps He tried to reply but His data expired.
Regardless, I was tired of being left unseen; His blue ticks had
been hurtful.
So I started dialling any number that would answer; any receiver
that cared to listen.
Because my heart had been held captive by its fears for all these
years,
Something within me always fought being loved unconditionally
since all human love ever did was disappoint me, drain me, always leaving me,
Empty.
And I swore they cared.
But then these phone lines became abused from gossip talk, dirty thoughts; calls from every angle except the one due north…
And somewhere amongst the rattle of the noise, my landline rang…it was God.
And I pressed ignore so fast, but he called back,
Ignore – He called back,
Ignore – He called back,
Ignore – He called back…
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After that, I deleted His number.
So my walk with God became more like a crawl.
My heart grew pained, flaws and all…
Day by day, searching in vain…
being pulled in different directions
until I was torn apart; and they laughed at my severed pieces…
I swore they cared.
I thought of calling God to see what He’d say; if I could be redeemed although my values had gone astray…
But I felt as though He’d probably be annoyed –
At all these times He reached out to me, ringing my doorbell
– but just like when Jehovah Witness pass, I walk to the door but drop & roll as if I fell.
But now I’ve actually fallen.
And suddenly all those Life Alert commercials aren’t the least bit of funny;
Because I’ve fallen and I can’t get up and there’s no one here to help me.
My bones disintegrated, my knees are bruised; the fibres of
soul desolate, my body feels used;
From all these nights of sin, conjuring lustful thoughts within,
doing things that I have shame for… mentioning…
All because of ringtones that I can no longer recognise.
But one day my phone rang and it took me by surprise,
A familiar voice that clenched something deep inside me that I
could no longer fight, propelling feelings that I could no longer deny, saying:
My child you’re hurting. You’re hurting and you need me.
To fill these gaps that material things cannot complete, to love you in a way that men cannot see… to inspire all that you do & be all that you need.
And I realised that tone dials and busy tones were nothing
more than echoes from my past life
Trying to tell me that it was time to live right, to draw closer to a light that didn’t have to blind my eyes but help me to shine.
That this life once again could be mine.
The one that I could live for Him, through Him and with Him… a life not ravished by sin.
And I told myself, if you could just let go of your doubts and believe, you’d see that you could be a credible witness to God’s mercy.
And I know now that He’s holding my hand that I am blessed from outside and within and I’ll never again have to give in.
