Last Sunday I presented a paper at the Archdiocesan Family Life Commission’s Convention for Catholics who are Separated, Divorced and Widowed on the theme: What does God have to do with me now?
The following are extracts – Download full presentation
I agree with the Family Life Commission – “being divorced, separated or widowed has a shattering effect not only on the individual but on entire families as well”. However, if we believe that each of us is willed and loved by God and that God is merciful, then we must also believe that He has a plan for us. Remember the words in Jeremiah 1:5: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you came to birth I consecrated you.”
As people of faith who believe in God’s mercy and grace; as people of hope, we know that God will heal us and help us to move onwards and upwards.
No matter how grave our situation may seem, take courage and know that God has given each of us unique gifts, which He wants us to use to build His Kingdom. Don’t hide them under a bushel. You do not shed these unique gifts when you are divorced, separated or have lost a spouse. Hold on to Christian hope.
As followers of Jesus, we are told to take up our cross and follow Him. We accept that life will not be smooth sailing. But when the tempest of divorce, separation or widowhood comes and we are being blown and buffeted by gale force winds, if our faith is strong; if we truly pray for God’s grace, we will survive. Never underestimate the power of prayer to help you through your difficulties.
In his encyclical, Charity in Truth, Pope Benedict XVI reminded us that we can do nothing without the help of God’s grace – that gift from God which strengthens us. “I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me, with me in him/her, bears fruit in plenty; for cut off from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5-6).
Marriage is a vocation, a sacrament, a covenant between a man and a woman. Jesus taught about the indissolubility of marriage (Mt. 19:6). The breakdown of a marriage brings with it a lot of pain. God wants each of you who suffer the pain and anguish usually associated with divorce, separation or widowhood, to remain in Him. Hold on to Him as your rock in the midst of your distress. He wants you to take care of yourself and to go on living and being a witness to Him. “Separated, divorced and widowed people, through their vulnerability, courage and patient endurance, serve as witnesses to Christ and His redeeming grace” (Diocese of Trenton, NJ, USA).
We must strengthen our parish ministry to those who have experienced the trauma of separation, divorce or death of a spouse.
Parish priests/Parish Administrators and parishioners must ask themselves: How are separated, divorced, and widowed people treated in this parish?
What are our attitudes towards them? Are we meeting their needs and drawing on their gifts? What support do we give them during their time of pain and recovery? Do they have a sense of belonging in our parish?
I urge you yourselves to form active groups of divorced, separated and widowed persons and provide mutual support to each other and peer counselling. Organise prayer sessions and social activities. Don’t isolate yourselves or wait for other parishioners to approach you. Reach out to others also.
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In his encyclical On the Family (1981) Blessed John Paul II urged parishes to “let these men and women know that the Church loves them…it is necessary to welcome them with charity and kindness…I earnestly call upon pastors and the whole community of the faithful to help the divorced and with solicitous care, to make sure that they do not consider themselves as separated from the Church, for as baptised persons they can and indeed must share in her life.”
Remember that God never abandons us. He wants you to rely on him always. He is holding you in the palm of His hand – tenderly, lovingly; nurturing you through your pain. He will heal your wounds. You never truly forget what you have been through and the loss of your loved ones, but the Lord heals the intensity of the pain. Find ways to channel your grief.
People deal with separation, divorce or widowhood differently. Amidst the frustration, anger, bitterness, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, loneliness, sorrow or other emotions that you may experience, make space for the Holy Spirit to fill you with courage and strength so that you will be able to move on with your life. Surround yourself with God’s love. May you hear Jesus’ gentle voice guiding and sustaining you as you journey on.
God has work for you to do. You continue to have a role to play in the life and mission of our Church and in society – an active, not a passive role.
He wants you to be strong and to seek to do His will; to continue your journey of faith – not alone, but in community, and to commit yourself to ongoing spiritual formation which is a lifelong process. He wants you to hold on to your faith which will provide you with a moral compass.
In a world in which many are moving away from God, I urge you to anchor yourself in His love. Lift up your hearts to Him. Trust in Him.
He wants you to forgive – in situations where forgiveness is required. We have to process our divorce, separation or loss of a spouse and seek healing, guidance and counselling, if necessary. For those of you who have children and grandchildren, God wants you to be for them; to do your best to educate them and to pass on our faith to them. While you experience a myriad of emotions, so do your children and others close to you. Do not get so caught up in your own anger, grief, frustration etc. that you ignore the needs of those who depend on you e.g. those in your family.
Catholics who are separated or divorced are still members of our Church and should continue to receive the Eucharist and other sacraments.
The Eucharist is a place of healing, reconciliation and spiritual nourishment. However, as Archbishop Harris would have told you in his presentation on Annulment, if you get a divorce and remarry e.g. in a civil ceremony, without obtaining a declaration of nullity from our Church, although you will remain a member of the Catholic Church, you will not be able to receive Holy Communion.
If you are in this situation, you remain a child of God and need our love and compassion. I encourage you to continue to go to Mass, to remain active in your parish. Continue to guide your children in the Catholic faith. Get involved in ministry in your parish e.g. charitable works.
God wants you all to play your part in revitalising our Catholic Culture and Identity and in transforming our communities and our world. Stewardship is a key aspect of our Catholic Culture and Identity. Share your time, talent and treasure generously to build the common good.
Prayer: Lord, help us to build welcoming parish communities, filled with people who will reach out in love and compassion to all your children, including those who are divorced, separated and widowed. Although we face many pastoral challenges in meeting their needs, inspire us to include structures and strategies in parish pastoral plans that will demonstrate that they matter also.
